I wrote the following a couple of weeks ago. I have not been sure whether to post it or not because of fear of upsetting family that might read it. I have decided to post because it is about my own journey and the challenges I face.
I think I’m having an emotional breakdown. It happens from time to time when I’m trying to be tough about something and then all of a sudden I fall apart.
I have tried to be tough about the situation with my family regarding me no longer believing as they do. It has been difficult to deal with the rumors and people I was once extremely close with no longer wanting to talk to me. My parents living in another state has helped me deal with a lot of it. I haven’t had to deal with a lot of this in person which has been rather nice.
I found out today that my parents are most likely moving and will be living within driving distance to me. I should be excited. I should be looking forward to my kids being able to play with their grandparents and my mom watching the kids so my husband and I can get away for a while. Instead I’m sitting here crying. I know my mom will not understand why I won’t leave her alone with the kids. Or why we won’t go visit them as much. I just don’t feel comfortable being around her much or leaving the kids with her when she has gone around telling people that my kids might not be safe with me. I love my family very much. Some of them have made it clear that they don’t know how to have a relationship with me due to my disbelief. I have backed off of calling or visiting family as much because I don’t want them to feel awkward when I’m around.
My mother is fantastic with kids. Although she feels it is important to teach people what she considers to be the “truth”. I don’t want my kids to be indoctrinated.
I already have to deal with a few people not wanting to talk to me because of rumors and misconceptions. That is heartbreaking in itself. Now I know I will be faced with a lot more challenges and I’m not ready for all that pain.
I also found out that my only sister is having another baby after trying for 9 years. I should be thrilled. And I am happy for her. I just know it won’t be the same now that she is not talking to me much. She and I used to be extremely close. Now months go by that I don’t hear from her. She has told me she doesn’t know what to say to me anymore.
Normally I am able to not let this bother me in my daily life, but today it was just too many blows for me to handle.